Chicken Buses–Don’t Be Fooled

 

We’ve done a fair bit of driving in Guatemala and I’ve done an equal amount of thinking about chicken buses.  They’re transport buses called camionetas or autobuses here, but gringos call them chicken buses because you may see a variety of animals on and in them.  Having nearly died several deaths at the hands of these monsters, I’ve committed myself to a little investigation and have discovered some troubling things that I must now share. 

Most people assume that the chicken buses are sold south of the border and converted by new owners once they finish their useful lives in the states.  That is what they want you to believe.  The truth of how the buses got here is a much darker story. 

While it is true that in a former life, they were once school buses in the US, how they come to be the fire-breathing, demon possessed machines from the depths of hell is quite another story.  It is a seldom known fact that once these old school busses find themselves in a US junkyard and begin to rust, their rust and souls drop deep into the earth where they are absorbed into the groundwater and transferred south to a Guatemalan forest.  Within this forest, in a dark muddy spring, the angry soul of the bus seeps.  Mired in the mud, the bus reflects on the noisy American school kids that screamed, fought and soiled the seats of the bus for years. 

It’s no surprise that when, years later, the bus finally emerges from the bog, it is very angry.  The children, the over-reaching safety rules of the American school system, the inept drivers, the repressive paint scheme – it was all too much for the bus and now, upon its reemergence, the bus plots revenge.   

During its time in the bog, the bus  has undergone a most dramatic transformation.  The womb of the forest has given birth to new vehicle that barely even resembles the tired old mass that rusted into the earth in the US.  The automatic transmission has been replaced with a much more sporty 6 or 7 speed.  The brakes are upgraded.  Seats are replaced with wider ones to increase capacity.  Engines are upgraded and performance tuned.  But by far the most dramatic changes are in the paint scheme.  Mostly gone is the institutional yellow and uniformity of US school buses.  The new paint schemes are brightly colored and fantastical.   Much chrome has been added. 

Religious symbolism and sayings cover the buses. The buses are not followers though.  They understand that only two things keep them on the road. One is that they provide a valuable service – they transport people, animals and products with economy, efficiency, and excitement throughout Guatemala. The other is that few people are aware of the true nature of the buses.  If it became known that the buses were demonic monsters with no regard for humanity or street dogs, someone would put a stop to them, despite their great service. It is in this interest that buses adorn themselves beautifully to charm and beguile the populace.  An especially useful disguise is religious symbolism.  This way, folks assume that the buses fall on the good side of the evil/good line.  Let me assure you that they do not. 

In order to hedge their bets between the godly and the godless, chauvinistic crowd, the buses sometimes mix sexual symbolism and claims of love in with claims of godliness. 

In a particularly manipulative move, the buses even play upon cartoon imagery to win over the hearts of innocent little children.  This is one of the most egregious examples of psychological conditioning that I have seen.  Here, the use of the Road Runner character, leads children to believe that the excessive speed, dangerous maneuvers, and generally violent behavior is as noble and harmless as the actual Road Runner’s behavior.  For shame, chicken bus.  For shame. 

I have also seen the buses play off of people’s brand loyalties to win favor.  Harrumph.  Harley Davidson. I think not, bus, but well played. 

In addition to this Harley logo, I’ve seen Mercedes emblems placed upon what is clearly an International or Bluebird model bus.  Once, I even saw an Apple logo proudly emblazoned upon the most  highly ornamented chicken bus ever. I don’t think any of you have any doubts as to what is currently happening to Steve Jobs in his grave.  (I would, however, love to see what the bus would do to a cease and desist letter from Apple). 

Strangely, American patriotic symbolism is a common theme on the buses - American flags, old US license plates, claimed allegiance to various US states. I have yet to determine if this is indicative of a glimmer of fond memories of days past for the bus or if it’s simply a plot to win the hearts of unwary gringo travelers.   

 

There are some more patriotic than me, but hear this chicken bus: I will not be fooled by any amount of American flag, rock-n-roll, Mickey Mouse or other lies that you dress yourself up in.  I have seen into your soul and I know what lies within. 

The first clue as to the true evil of these buses came to me on quiet and winding mountainous road, up which the rattlevan climbed with slow persistence.  First I heard the rumble of a diesel of substantial size, then within a second of realizing what was behind me, a horn blared and my rear view mirror was rapidly filling with a fire breathing monster at top speed with no regard for the impending blind turn. 

On US roads, the fastest vehicle may be a punk kid in a tuner or on a superbike.  On these roads, I have yet to see anyone drive faster, with more aggression and more dangerously than a chicken bus.  I have seen the mad buses pass three vehicles at once going twice their speed, at dusk, on a blind curve, heavily loaded with cargo perched high on a roof rack, with the tires squealing around the turn only to jerk right at the last minute toward a most pathetic street dog as if the bus were greedily going for the extra points.   They are consistently the fastest and most aggressive vehicles on the road. 

I understand that the Guatemalan government has attempted to control the buses, but with little success.  Safety checkpoints, monitoring, suggested speed limits all do little to control the demons.  The only thing that slows them are steep topes.  The buses, though, quickly memorize the locations of these bumps and brake violently for them and accelerate dangerously away from them. 

The most horrifying fact in the life of these buses is not those that lie maimed in their paths, nor is it the fear that they routinely and joyously strike into the hearts of drivers, pedestrians and street dogs.  It is the brutal enslavement of their “drivers.”  In order to maintain their worldly pretense, these buses must employ drivers.  They couldn’t very well just drive along the roads with no drivers now could they? Of course not.  That is why they’ve captured and enslaved people to sit at the wheel and pretend to be driving.  They lure them in with shiny interiors and allow men to sit in a comfortable seat woven just for them.  Once the victim feels the power of the bus course through the steering wheel and into their bodies, they are caught. 

These hapless victims have been possessed by the bus based on that power and the promise of pride of ownership – and proud they are. 

They quickly enlist the bus to help them enslave others.  Each driver requires a helper to collect fares from passengers, wrangle luggage and most importantly clean the bus.  At all times, the bus must be maintained with as much shine as possible and these helpers work tirelessly to that end.   In the massive bus stations (demon strongholds), the helpers scrub the bus to a sparkling shine.

It is my hope that many people will read this and stop idolizing these terrible, but beautiful, buses. Their reign of terror on the roads of Guatemala must end.  Yes, they are beautiful works of art and many a gringo heart has been charmed by them.  Yes, they are loved for their beauty and utility by Guatemalans.  Still, the terror must end.   

See my photo album for some more pics of these monsters.